This is why I say George Carlin was a genius…

From the naked mind of George Carlin

1. When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
4. When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
5.I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
6.If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
9. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
10. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
11. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
12.I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
13. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
14. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
15. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
16. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
17. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
18. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
19.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
20. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
21. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 
22. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
23. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
24. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
25. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
26. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.